8MM THE RACE I MUST WIN - MY 2 RACES IN LIFE
I never dreamt for one second I would be sitting here about to write what I am going to write.
I guess from the no response to the result of my hospital appointment last week most of you might have worked out the news wasn't good.
As I sat in the waiting room to be called in, I knew something wasn't right, then Tom called my name and I knew right away, he couldn't look at me, I walked through that door again and sat down with him. We chatted about sport like always then I leaned forward and said OK am ready.
The words that would then leave his mouth would yet again change my life, "I am sorry but the tumour has growing back and we are heading for surgery again"
This is the problem with a genetic tumour, no matter what I do that cell is going to keep growing back. It was strange, I felt no emotion I just wanted to know my options.
We spoke about options and I asked what is the time frame we have to play with and can I risk not having surgery till I try make the Rio team.
I have 8 millimetres left inside my cord for the tumour to grow before it would cut off my cord and I would face loosing my lungs and stop breathing along with full paralysis.
I have decided not to have surgery right now and live my life for the next 11 months chasing my dream of cycling in Rio. I am living life with a 8 millimetre of hope. The hope that it won't grow fast and allow me to train and enjoy my life for one more year before I go back into surgery.
This has been an easy decision for me to make as I could not face more surgery right now and am hoping to travel to a clinic in Europe after the next surgery to try a new method of killing the cell in the hope I might one day live without this.
As I watched my mum the tears running down her face my heart stopped as I couldn't even cry, I am determined not to let this beat me but today I did a talk to students in Manchester and for the first time in my life I almost cried during my own talk as it hit me that I am going to go through all this again and my mum is going have to watch me again learning to walk and go through life threatening surgery. I am sitting crying as I write this as all I want to do is have a normal life and do my sport. I am scared that I might never have that and will I ever have the chance to tell someone I love them, will I ever live without the fear of this tumour.
I remember writing about this almost a year ago and to sit here tonight and write this again is pretty hard but I will live everyday over the next year to the max and enjoying every second and never take it for granted. I will beat this tumour.
Thank you all so much for been part of this journey, please after reading this make a dream and go after it, tell a friend how much they mean to you or someone you love that you appreciate them. We sometimes just rush through life, but we must pause and take a second to think how lucky we all are.
With that in mind I want to tell you all that I am so glad to call you all friends and to have your support.