"Living in the Quantum Flow: Embracing Fluid Identity and Impermanence in My Daily Life"

Morning: Waking to Possibility

I wake early, the crisp air of Aviemore filling my lungs. There's something about the stillness here that reminds me of how everything is connected—me, the mountains, the air, even the silence. As I sit up in bed, I feel that familiar sense of being caught between two worlds. Today, like every day, I am both the athlete I once was and the man whose body now carries the scars of surgeries and paralysis. But I'm also neither of these things. I am fluid, shifting between identities, much like the particles I’ve read about in quantum mechanics, which exist in superposition until they’re observed.

It hits me, as it often does: impermanence. Nothing about who I am today is fixed. I could easily fall into the mindset of identifying with the athlete who once powered up mountains or the man who has faced cancer and paralysis head-on. But just as particles remain in a state of possibility until someone observes them, I realize that my identity is never set in stone. I’m not limited to one version of myself.

I make my way to breakfast, the memories of who I was flickering through my mind—the rower, the cyclist who conquered the Alps. But then I think of Anatta, the Buddhist teaching of no-self. I’m not the person I was then. That version of me has passed, like everything else in life. Identity is not something I possess; it’s something I experience, moment to moment, as it arises and passes away.

As I make my food, I move with intention, noticing how my body works within its limits. But instead of feeling confined by those limits, I see how connected I am to everything around me. The mountains outside the window, the food on my plate, the breath in my lungs—it’s all part of this interconnected web of existence. It reminds me of quantum entanglement, how particles are linked no matter the distance. I am linked, too—not just to the people in my life, but to the very fabric of the world. My body’s limitations don’t define me; just like quantum particles, I’m more than what I appear to be.

Afternoon: In Nature, In Myself

Later, I find myself in the Cairngorms, one of my four pillars of self-care. Nature has always been my anchor, and today, as I hike, I feel that familiar pull—both the athlete and the man in recovery. There’s a part of me that’s in superposition, balancing between these identities. I am still the man who once powered through climbs, but now I move differently. Neither identity is truer than the other—they both exist within me.

I stop for a moment, breathing in the mountain air, and it’s in this pause that I really feel the truth of impermanence. Just like a particle collapsing into a state of being when observed, this moment is fleeting. It’s here, now, but soon it will be gone. This mountain may have stood for millennia, but the experience of standing on it today is uniquely mine, and it won’t last. I’m reminded of what Buddha taught—how clinging to anything as permanent only leads to suffering. I am not the athlete, nor am I the man defined by cancer. I am just here, in this moment. Emptiness isn’t a void; it’s the freedom to not be bound by any fixed identity.

As I continue walking, I think about quantum mechanics and the idea of potential. In the quantum world, particles exist in a state of possibility before collapsing into one reality. It feels like that with my life. Even though my body has changed, I still hold the potential for growth, for connection, for strength. Life is about more than what we see; it’s about what we have yet to discover, what we have yet to become. I think about how both Stoic and Buddhist teachings have guided me to see this—we are more than our physical selves. We are the sum of all our experiences, but none of them define us.

Evening: Reflecting on the Day

The sun is setting now, and I’ve returned home, feeling the physicality of the day’s hike but also the weight of reflection. It’s in these quiet moments that I often feel the most connected to the deeper truths I’ve come to understand. The day was long, filled with physical effort and shifting between who I’ve been and who I am now. As the light fades, so too do the clear lines between these identities. It’s a reminder of impermanence, how nothing stays the same.

Quantum entanglement comes to mind—how particles remain connected even when separated by vast distances. I think of the people in my life, how we are connected in ways that aren’t always visible. My friends, my family, the athletes I’ve trained with—they are with me even when we’re apart, influencing me in ways I don’t always realize. These connections, like quantum entanglements, remind me that I am never truly alone. We’re all part of something bigger, something that transcends time and space.

As I wind down for the night, I feel a sense of emptiness—not in a sad way, but in the sense that I don’t have to hold onto any one identity. I’m not just “David the athlete” or “David the patient.” I’m not defined by the surgeries, the treatments, or even the accomplishments. I’m free to be nothing—just like a quantum particle that exists in a field of infinite possibilities until observed. This emptiness is a kind of freedom, a chance to be whatever I need to be in each moment.

Night: Dreams of Possibility

As I drift off to sleep, I wonder about the idea of quantum potential—the thought that we all exist in a field of endless possibilities. Each day, I collapse into one version of myself, but the potential for others is always there. I think of this journey I’ve been on, from athlete to living with cancer and paralysis, and realize that identity is not fixed. I am always in the process of becoming, always evolving, just like the quantum world I’ve come to appreciate.

Tonight, I rest knowing that I am not bound by any single story. I am not just an athlete or a survivor. I am a fluid being, connected to everything around me, constantly shifting and changing. And in that realization, I find peace. Like the particles that make up the universe, I, too, am always full of potential—free to change, to grow, to embrace whatever comes next.

This is the beauty of life: there is no fixed self, only the infinite possibility of becoming. I am many things, and yet, I am nothing at all. And that’s exactly where I find my strength.

In living each day through the lens of both quantum mechanics and Buddhist philosophy, I navigate my journey with an understanding that my identity is fluid, my reality is impermanent, and I am deeply connected to the world around me. It’s a dynamic dance between the known and the unknown, where I am free to be many things—or nothing—depending on the moment.

Why I ride? The psychology of fighting for your life

Why I ride? The psychology of fighting for your life

Where is your breaking point? At what point do you listen to the voice that tells you to stop? In life, much like riding a bike we all have that inner voice, when things become tough, how far can you go before you break!

That moment when you think, that’s it I can’t go any further. The voice in your mind having two conflicting conversations. One telling you to keep pushing, the other to stop, thats it I cant take any more.

So what is it in us that chooses to listen to one of these voices? 

Since our DNA is pretty much 99.9% the same as the next person, what separates us when it comes to this enjoyment of the suffering one feels during high intense endurance events? Is there a link between those who thrive in that environment, to those who cope better when dealing with a life threatening condition? I know I liken both time trialing and managing this tumour in a similar way, on one side I am trying to go faster and push my body past its limits and the other I am trying to slow everything down. Both different races, both can be defined in time, both require mental strength, the biggest difference is the outcome. 

During a bike race, when your suffering it feels like time goes slower, on the other hand when you know something is growing inside you that can take your life, time speeds up, you struggle to hold on and to stay in control, just as I am about to break, I transfer myself onto my bike in an attempt to stay in control.

I feel the injection go into my arm as I am moved into the MRI, and I know in a few weeks I will be sat opposite someone who I know, but is also a stranger. Someone that will be with me at possibly the lowest point in my life, but I don’t really know anything about them, we are not even on first name bases. 

As the bike moves slowly up another alpine pass, the sun beating down on me, I feel the sweat run down my face dropping onto the road. My body screaming in a sea of suffering as I glance up and see the top of the Col. I then hear this voice, only 3km to go David. 3km at over 9% with the top looking down on you. 

You have to detach from the summit and focus on the process, live in the moment and welcome the suffering into your body, live for every pedal revolution. This, after all, is living. I choose to be on this mountain, and I can stop at any time.

Unlike the discomfort of sitting opposite this stranger who is about to deliver life shattering news, I don’t have many options to say, you know what I feel like stopping now. I am not in control.

Ok 2km now left, this is the last climb of the first day, 6 more days of this to go and I can hardly turn the pedals. The easy option is that beautiful decent, you could turn round and ride back, or I focus on continuing to turn those pedals. 

After what feels like a decade, I take the final pedal stroke that sees me summit over the 3rd and final Col of day 1. Only 6 more days to go. 

The inner battle between these two voices goes to the one that never quit today. 

As I climb off the bike I can hardly walk, the feeling of complete fatigue mixed with happiness is like no other. A far cry from the same feeling of not been able to walk in hospital. Back at the hotel the sign of a bath was like heaven, my body needs to get into that bath. I have not had a bath since leaving hospital as I worry about getting stuck, but tonight a shower is just not going to cut it. One hour later and the panic of I can’t get out becomes a reality! Am I going have to call Chris the support guy who I only just met to come lift me out of the bath on day 1, or do I find a solution to this situation. 

After several attempts I am out the bath and ready to fight another day. 

The fresh mountain air greets me on day 2, a much welcomed feeling over the air in the hospital room, I feel like I can’t breathe when I am in there.

Every morning the beauty of the mountains was a reminder of how lucky I was to be alive and have the ability to ride. I won’t lie, this was a brutal experience by day 3 I had saddle soars and I could hardly walk at the end of each day. The first twenty minutes each morning were horrid until I went numb, then it made sitting on seat much more pleasant.

The climbing started right away on day 2 and we had 3 cols to go over before the decent to Bourg St Maurice. The last climb was a brutal 20km up the Cormet de Roselend, the only thing keeping my mind of the pain in my body was the incredible scenery. Arriving at the hotel felt like heaven, I could not move and started to feel the saddle sores kicking in. Not what you want on day 2 of 7. 

I had spent years skiing in this part of the world, so I had a rough idea of what the next day would throw at me, but doing it on bike was a whole other story. Only one col, but 48km of it right from the go. It was horrid, my mind was fine, it was my body, it didn’t want to work. Today was very much about focusing on the process, as the Col de I’iseran is one of the highest paved passes in Europe at 2,700m. After 4hrs of relentless cycling we made the summit. However, this was a 121km day so it wasn’t over yet. 

When taking on something like this, I wake with a mix of emotions and excitement, with a fear of how much it will hurt, no matter how fast I go up these climbs it hurts. Everyone cycling up them is at their own personal limit and has their own reasons for doing it. Mine was not about overcoming adversity to achieve a goal, after four diagnoses it was about  living, and there is no better way to remind myself that I am alive, than by cycling up the Col du Telegraphe and Col du Galibier the latter being one of the most iconic passes in the Alps.

As we cross the Alps the vegetation changes becoming more Mediterranean which brings higher temperatures, however the Col d’Izoard had other ideas. For most of the morning we could see the clouds forming, when this happens in the Alps the mountains look angry and you know you could be in for some fun. Not to disappoint the heavens opened up 2km from the top and we got soaked. Arriving at the top covered in clouds it was a short break for the quick photo then onto tackle the last climb of the day. Freezing cold and shivering it was a very hard day.  

The feeling of finally getting into the shower was amazing, forty minutes later I could feel my body or what’s left of it anyway. 

By now, I am a complete wreck, saddle soars, and nervous system that’s not working and fatigue… I love this feeling, I am alive, living my dream, the penultimate day sees us climb for 30km over the Col de la Cayolle, a gradual climb, but a long one that felt like it was never ending. The mind can almost relax as I know I only have one day left, the feeling I am almost there, the dream that I had in ICU of cycling across the Alps is within reach. The doctors who told me I would never do this are about to be shown anything is possible if you believe. Finishing this day at the ski village of Valberg. Not before a pretty tough 12km climb. 

Lying in bed knowing all I had was one more day felt incredible, I had never given up in two years and now I was close to seeing this goal through. Just one more stage of what was going to be the hardest day yet. 

Sitting on the bike seat, I could feel tears run down my face, the saddle sores were so painful, which in turn set of my neural system, this was going to be a hard day.  How hard can this be? It’s not as hard mentally as 6 months in hospital unable to wash yourself, having people help you go to the toilet and brush your teeth. 

As if this last day wasn’t hard enough, we arrived at was meant to be our last climb of the day to find out the road was closed.  This meant several extra cols, but with the bonus of finishing on the col de la Madone. An epic last day which saw us on the bike for a 100miles, 3000m climbing and just short of 9 hours we reached Menton. Job done over 40hours, 56,000ft of climbing and 740km the Route des Grandes Alps was done.

Now it was time to face another challenge, a fight where I am less in control and the fight that maybe one day, will find my breaking point. 

You hear the Dr say “well I am just going to tell you like it is, you are at risk of full paralysis from the neck down” my reply was “ your telling me I am just going to be a head” his response “yes that’s correct”. 

There are lots of people who are incredibly inspiring, but I am not sure I could live that life. I guess we never know until it happens on how we will deal with it, but being told this, my first reaction was I want to die. I felt like I was drowning, unable to breath, trying to control the emotional part of my brain and ask sensible logical questions. Stay in control, don’t lose it. 

Knowing this outcome, I did what felt natural, I ran. My fight or flight kicked in and I was off. I am not sick, I refuse to believe this, I am going to ride my bike until my limbs stop moving.

It got me thinking around the language we use around illnesses, how a word can have such a massive impact on our perception, which in turn has a possible epigenetic effect on how our body deals with that word and the situation. I have never believed I am ill, I don’t believe I have a tumour, when I look in the mirror I don’t see someone disabled who has a life threatening tumour, I see an athlete. 

Sitting looking at my scans I hear the words “If I saw this scan I would say the person is most definitely unable to walk and they would be pretty unwell” 

There is no way this person has just cycled 740km across the Alps. 

Is this the power of the mind? I believe I am not sick, I constantly tell myself this can’t be. The most difficult time is when it’s still, lying in bed with only that voice, the fear of the unknown growth in my spinal cord that could take my life. 

It’s why I ride, I ride to hide from reality, when I ride, I am free, I sometimes think when I am on bike that if I was to die I would rather it be now, fast so it’s over, not some slow process of my body slowly giving up on me. Does everyone have these thoughts? Or is it something unique to people on this journey. 

I remember cycling along a narrow thin road on one side a huge drop down into a river, on the other an intimidating mountain rock face. As the road cuts a path through this mountain in the Alps I cycled closer to the edge, I could just cycle off the road! No more scans, no more surgeries just cycle off a cliff. I then pulled back into the middle of the road and powered on over this incredible Col. Why was I thinking this, at first glance you might think I am mad, but it was more about a powerful emotional control. It was being on the edge, but being in control to walk the line, but then say I am in control and pull away. Something I never feel with the tumour, I feel it has control, so when I sit in this hospital room, I can’t pull into the middle of the road and say not today, I sit opposite this stranger as he tells me you are going over the cliff and there is not much you can do about it.

The great thing about descending Alpine cols is you are truly in the moment, if your mind drifts off, you run the risk of crashing. 

You work hard climbing to then get your decent. To feel the wind in your face and you are completely immersed in the moment. There is no feeling like it for me.

Much like life, these Cols are like challenges in life, you have to pace them correctly or you can burnout. Emotional burnout is something I have become very familiar with. Managing your energy is important, when your living with a tumour, it is easy to let it take over. You can become obsessed with it and your whole day becomes about tumours. This is not healthy, I try to keep everything and everyone around me just going about normal life then set time aside either daily or weekly to manage it. 

Managing a tumour can become a full time job, it can consume your every waken hour, then your dreams when you sleep. There is almost no escape. How do you manage that? 

For me it was becoming self-aware of my inner world, how my brain is made up, the mechanism behind thoughts and my actions. By building up a better awareness and relationship with my mind I can better manage my emotions. I created a plan much like I would for my bike, I have to pace what I do on these climbs, if I go off too hard I am going to pay for that later in the day. It’s about knowing what you can put out that will allow me to cycle for 8hrs. This is also true with fighting the tumour, I have to protect my emotional energy.

This has been extremely difficult since returning from the Alps, in the Alps all I focused on was cycling, now I am having to face my other race, and it is harder than I ever imagined. Am I close to breaking point? What would that tipping point look like? And can you make it back if you do break? 

With surgeons wanting to operate on me now, doctors telling me my options and at the centre of it, me. I feel great, not one sign of a symptom, just a scan showing a tumour crushing my spinal cord. Your actions reflect your beliefs, and I believe I am not sick, however I know that I can’t hide for ever. I just want to ride, I am not asking for much, just a bike and smooth roads.  How do you make this choice? Surgery to save my life but risk loosing everything from neck down, or keep riding till my limbs stop moving? 

How do I even begin to make this decision? As my body recovers from cycling across the Alps and the news from both doctors in the UK and America.  I sit and reflect on what was the toughest week I have ever had on a bike and probably the biggest test to my mental strength. The week after sitting in front of several doctors all telling me the same thing, ‘this is a high risk tumour’, ‘there is no cure’, ‘this thing could crush all your nerves’ and I have a choice to make, I go into surgery and risk paralysis or I keep riding and run the risk of slowly losing everything from the neck down.

What would you do?

I wake each morning and tell myself that everyone dies but not everyone lives, so for today I will climb onto my bike and keep riding. 

FLYING THROUGH THE ALPS

Wake up and ask yourself if this was the last day you were alive what would you do?

After what I can only describe as a very hard 18 months where I suffered more mentally than I did physically I knew I had to get away and go back to the mountains. 

I feel like I am trapped in a body I don't want to be trapped in, a city that I feel so venerable in that I have broke down in tears several times and found myself lying on the floor of a station after falling over. I had lost not only my identity but also my direction. London was an obvious choice as my rehab was here but after 12 months of rehab and seeing doctors something was eventually going to break. When I found myself sitting with a physiologist in tears I knew my mind had finally broke. After years of hospitals I had now hit bottom. PTSD and weekly sessions with doctors to try and regain control. I distend myself from people and went into a depression. I was lost, hurt and confused. I could not make any rational decisions and knew if Was going to pull myself out of this it was going to take a huge shift in mind set.

Resilience is something I have but I got it from sport and now I found myself without sport and my friends, I was alone and not ashamed to say it suffering from days of depression. I was stuck in a body trying to find my identity. I made mistakes and bad choices like any human and as Tried to find dry land to stop drowning I felt I was getting washed further out to sea and couldn't swim. 

This is a scary place to end up, I had no idea how I was going to get my old self back, I then realised how important environment is and that the combination of rehab, hospitals and London was not helping me heal. So I got on a plane and went to the Alps to heal. 

I found myself standing on top of a mountain attached to my new mate and we were going to jump off it together and fly. I was free, no disability, just flying over the alps and I started to find myself again, a more rational mind and the person I recognised, not the person sitting on a tube crying. 

Flying above the Alps 

As we let the wind pull us, I asked him to let it rip, to push us to the limits, on that limit was where I needed to be, outside the comfort zone and almost not in control. What a feeling....

This feeling of freedom gave me my identity back and direction in life, it gave me my purpose back, why I got out of bed everyday. To start with it was to learn to walk, then to try get my arm and leg back, but after several doctors and months of rehab there was no sign of my arm moving and my leg was struggling along with nothing working below my neck, I would struggle to get up in the morning to face another day. However this 30min of flying reminded me that as humans we must adapt and move on, live where our feet are and not let our minds hijack us with negative thoughts. We can't get today back after it is gone, so ask yourself would you rather spend it been unhappy or to go live to the best you can. 

It has taken me along time after this last surgery to find that headspace, hospital was a horrid place and mentally scarred me so badly I am to scared to go back for my latest results.  I can't face it. I know I will have to go but at the moment I just can't walk through those doors.......

I guess in life there is doors we choose to walk through and others we have no choice of going through, we never know what is on the other side of each door or who we might meet but I believe finding resilience in each of us helps face each door with a strong mind. 

MY ARM MOVES

For 8 months I have dreamed of this day, the day where my arm moves. Its so important in life to set goals, but these goals act just like a compass, they give us direction. If we are to reach them we have to put in hours and hours of focused work.

i remember when In had goals to be a World Champion, I never truly realised that the greatest gift I would ever receive was my health and the ability to move with freedom. 

It wasn't till I woke up 8 months ago paralysed down one side of my body that I would see my goals through a completely new set of eyes. It was no longer about medals or titles it was about living.

Fighting for your life sends you on a journey of self discovery beyond belief and to places that have left me crying looking at photos of the athlete I was before this last surgery. I might not have the power to ride like I did, but I have a mind now stronger than it has ever been. 

There has been days where I have felt like a prisoner in my own body, unable to do things I would love to do, the things I took for granted before they were taken away from me. 

One of the most difficult parts of any transition in life is the change in your identity, but transitions in life can be great and really challenge you if you see the opportunities in them.

The one challenge for me this time has been managing loosing my identity. I didn't notice this in hospital or in rehab as you are in a safe environment and a bubble. However to develop and grow we have to step out of our comfort zone and for me this was leaving the safe bubble of rehab and going out in London. 

Its funny you mostly walk about invisible and no one sees you until you are different, then people stare, not in a bad way, but at first you don't know this, you just feel people looking at you. I was very lucky in hospital to work lots on my Emotional Intelligence by studying the Harvard Business School audio books, especially the one on managing change.  This taught me so much about myself that it prepared me to step out of my comfort zone. 

However no book really prepares you for jumping into the sea, you could read everyday on how to swim, but until you jump in the water you wont know if it works. It is also a world a way from the book and there was times I felt so overwhelmed trying to walk through London that I wanted to just stop and cry. 

I would then tell myself that people weren't looking in a negative way but one of curiosity and that I needed to be aware of this and then respond in a positive way. The hardest thing was chatting with someone and seeing in there eyes how much they had judged me before knowing my fight.

We tend to do this as humans, we judge before knowing the full story. Emotional intelligence has showing me this can be our biggest loss in life as we can miss out on meeting some amazing people. 

We always seam to be in a hurry and run about with hour heads buried and miss the real beauty of life, try to pause sometimes and chat to someone new or to stop and say gratitude for your health and the world we live in. 

I have met some of the kindest and most amazing people I have never met this year since my third tumour and they have made what has been one of the hardest years of my life into one of the most special ones as well. 

I have worked every second of everyday over the last 8 months to move my arm, I never really had any signs that it might one day move again, but I never gave up once, and last week it moved for the first time in a way that gave me belief that one day it will move again. 

So never give up on your dreams or your beliefs and always see challenges in life as a positive and an opportunity to discover more about yourself. Change can be good and creates neuroplasticity if you perceive it as a positive challenge and not a threat. 

Set and intention each day you awake to not judge others and to make people smile as you will never know the fight someone else is going through if you don't make time to listen to them in an empathetic way.

HOW LIFE CAN CHANGE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE

You wake every morning jump in the shower and then have breakfast and run out the door, how many times to you stop and say how thankful you are to have your legs, for running water and food. Things we take for granted as we rush through our lives.

Do you ever stop and be mindful of what you have, and know how lucky you are for this ability?

Even after my second tumour I still didn't always stop and say thanks, it wasn't till I found myself in hospital for the third time did I really learn.

I remember the last weeks in the JR in Oxford, I lived everyone's tumour who came through the ward I was in, I watched as they walked in, the reaction of the Doctors telling them the risks of surgery and the effect this had on not just them but their family. 

The day I left the JR I could not hold back the tears,  as I was wheeled through the neuro surgery ward and could feel the tears running down my face.

The feeling of fresh air as I went outside for the first time in 8 weeks was like no other feeling in life.

So I arrived at Stoke Mandville ready to push hard and walk out of there and onto my bike, I believe that environment has a huge effect on our minds and never in 6 years of surgery and hospital have I broke mentally but after 3 weeks here I could have broke, I was so low and could feel my mind wanting to give up every day. 

I will never forget my first morning in the spinal gym, seeing so many people who were in a real bad way, it was heartbreaking, nothing in life has touched me quite like that gym and it will never leave me. Some people fighting for every inch and others who were giving up. 

I sat one morning and this young lad came in who was paralysed from the neck down and on a ventilator, and I thought that could easily have been me, I looked and smiled as he smiled back we shared a moment without saying a word.  That was the thing in here, we all had empathy, everyone in here had come through some very dark places. From the young lad who had rolled out of bed to the Air force PT who fell a 1000ft we were all in some way very unlucky but in the same breath lucky as we were all alive. In here it didn't matter who you were, we were all on the same path and just a smile would say a thousand words between each us. That's the thing with Cancer or an accident, it can happen to anyone at any time and change your life forever. 

One night a friend in the hospital said to me he was happy to die after a fall in his kitchen seen him lay there for 15 hours before he was found. No one had ever said that to me before, I wanted to just give him a hug and say you got to fight my friend as life is such a beautiful thing. 

I made some good friends in Stoke who made me laugh so much and I will never forget that we had a good small group who put the world to rights each day and laughed with each other. 

All of them woke up one morning and went about life like you will have done today and then were involved in accidents which were not their fault. I guess you could say they were a second to early and someone else’s mistake would change their lives forever.  

On the day of my surgery a girl who won a Gold medal in London 2012 died of Cancer, she was 34, I remember reading that and thinking god what if I had not made it through my 9-hour surgery, I had left so much un said. I always try to message friends and tell them how special they are to me as without them my life would have been a very lonely place over the last 4 months. 

I have been overwhelmed by the messages I have received from all over the World from people fighting Cancer to School kids all telling me not to give up. I will never give up fighting this and as I was about to get on my bike and push on with my rehab, the phone rang to tell me I was been registered at the oncology department, a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye I was reminded that this is not just a spinal injury but a tumour that has shaped my life and will always be part of me. However it will not define my life, I make that decision. 

As I wake every morning I fight to get my arm and leg moving, I am spending every waken hour working on this in the hope something moves and I can ride through the Alps once again feeling the beauty of life. 

I just ask you to wake up and be grateful for what you have and to smile more at people and even try saying good morning it won’t hurt you.

THE POWER OF THOUGHT & PERCEPTION

I closed my eyes last night after spending 60 minute mediating and seeing my body moving, as I woke up this morning with that clear intention of movement riding through the alps, the reality of surgery hit. 

I still cant move my left side, I have now lost 17kg of muscle and I lay there on my side unable to move. I thought to myself for a split second this has been 3 weeks now and I have not had any real improvements on this left side. I stopped my thoughts there and made a choice to visually ride the alps as I lay waiting for the nurse to arrive with my morning meds. It was 5am, at this time in my ward I could hear others groaning in pain which adds to the challenge of keeping your mind in an environment thats trying to convince your body that your ok and not unwell.

This surgery has provided a different level of challenges than the past three, the others seemly progressed faster and this one clearly been more aggressive has provided the ultimate test of mind, body and spirit. 

I can now get onto a zimmer high frame on wheels and get myself to the shower, this takes close to 90 minutes but feels like heaven when the water runs off you after 23 hours lying in a bed everyday. The freedom you take for granted going for a shower or doing the toilet is reinforced when you can't do this. I woke up a couple of mornings ago and headed for my first shower, it felt unreal and when I got back to my bed the feeling of been fresh again was amazing. Then it happened, one of the cleaners knocked my toilet pot that I have to use and I was covered in urine… Those moments of the surreal times of a hospital bed..

In adversity there is always opportunity and this is no different, Each morning I wake up in hospital i have a choice. I can choose to be filled with fear, anger, frustration, what if or I can be filled with joy, gratitude, excitement and drive for the day ahead. 

This choice each morning shapes not just my day but the next 6-12 months and the rest of my life.  I believe from this hospital bed i can become my own epigenetic control centre and be defeated by my current situation or learn from it and thrive. 

It is impossible to be unhappy and grateful at the same time, and the effect this has on the bodies ability to heal is incredible.  It is proven that by bringing the emotions of gratitude and joy into your life each day you release chemicals such as oxytocin which has a direct effect on your bodies ability to achieve coherence. Achieving coherence is crucial for your body to function at maximum level and this is possibly most important when your lying in a hospital bed still with paralysis down one side 3 weeks after walking in with no symptoms. 

I Don't try to control the outcome of this process I believe this will allow my brain waves to stay more in an alpha state and not in high beta where you end up over thinking and using your analytical mind which puts you into a high stress level.

This is the ideal time to develop my mind and learn how I can manage my energy of thought. I am doing lots of imagery work thinking about a future event in the belief that my body does not know the difference if the future event has happened or not, I then attach an emotion to this thought/image and let go of my current situation. So I close my eyes, listen to music and see myself swimming in the sea, riding a bike or walking.  

It would be easy in hospital to move into Survival emotions which puts you into the in high beta - victim, anger, fear, suffering, frustration, fight or flight mode, this leads to decoherence and blocks the healing process. During this 3 weeks I have learned how important it is not to react to a situation based on negative frequency, as this puts you into more stress and into high beta. 

“I know if I am going to heal I need to connect the mind, body and heart & let go of my current situation”

I need to change my mind which in turn will change my environment, I have become aware of my mind more during the last 3 weeks as there is no hiding from your thoughts when your lying 24 hours a day in a bed looking at your body praying it will move and it doesn’t. 

Meditation, is connecting to your subconscious and conscious thoughts and at the same time letting go of your analytical mind. 

This has never been so important than now, it would be so easy to lay here and over analysis my situation and allow the 60000 thoughts we have a day to overwhelm me and let the environment control my mind. Rather than my mind controlling my environment. 

Our thoughts become us so its important to change our internal state of mind which will boost our immune system - Your choice each day defines you on a cellular level. 

“Trust in the unseen - feel body move - see it move - believe its moving”

We as people are programmed so we must learn to reprogram our minds. We are shaped on past experienceswhich shape our attitudes. These attitudesin turn become or personality and then this becomes our reality.  So we become our thoughts…..

if we live by same feelings every day we create the same feelings of the past. we make the same chemistry and we don't change. Which then holds us back in achieving our dreams. 

This can be shaped by our perception of past events which in turn results on how we perceive our current situation. I have always seen this tumour as a challenge and not a threat, I believe this runs parallel with the resilience I have learned in sport.

So each morning I wake and can’t move I don't think back to the day before, I make the choice of setting another clear intention for the new day ahead which creates a new learning experience and puts my brain into the future and out of the past. Changing the internal chemical state allows me to become someone else from my hospital bed and not my current situation of paralysis. 

I get asked about staying positive and how you do this, I believe 10min of gratitude each morning creates an energy that has a massive impact on the body, emotional stress such as anger, frustration, and anxiety gives rise to heart rhythm patterns that are erratic and this holds you back, In contrast, positive emotions send a very different signal throughout our body. When we experience uplifting emotions such as appreciation, joy, care, and love; our heart rhythm pattern becomes highly ordered and this puts our body into a healing mode. 

So when you wake up you have a choice

Make the choice to shape your day

    •    Practice Gratitude

    •    Don'tjudge

    •    Don't moan

    •    Don'tbe aggressive

    •    Not going to be insecure

Self belief is pretty important right now, I have to believe that my left side is going to work, if I think and feel that its not going to work then my attitude will change and my self belief will drop. 

To change a belief or perception you must create a hard wired intention greater than any past thought or current environment. This is something I am finding easy and mentally I am in a great place, I believe this is due to letting go and trusting the process of mind and body healing with reinforcing Gratitude.

Todays Gratitude

    1    I am Grateful for my right side

    2    I am Grateful I can get to the shower

    3    I am Grateful i can listen to my audiobooks 

    4    i am Grateful to my mum who has come everyday with food and support

master emotions create opportunity through developing your Emotional intelligence

ONE MONTH ON FROM SURGERY

The mind is everything

So its now one month since surgery,I am very happy that I can move some fingers and over the moon I got leg moving from bed. Still mostly paralysed through left side, so find it hard to stand but there is always away around or over a hurdle you just have to find a way, I am working hard on getting leg moving starting at 4am most days.

"We become our thoughts, so if we approach our days with negative thoughts, our thoughts become us and we get pulled down. If we believe we create an environment that is positive and a place we can achieve greatness"

Set you intention for each day

See yourself achieving it

Practice your Gratitude 

ONE WEEK ON FROM 9HR SURGERY

"Remember everything you ever dream about, is on the other side of fear. Don't let anyone tell you, you can't do something"

Walking in here on the 29th of February with no pain and feeling super healthy to now be lying here unable to really move is more a challenge mentally than physically. 

I am not frustrated or upset, I am in fact very grateful. However that does not mean this is easy, I moved from my own room today onto the ward and not slept all night as so many people screaming in pain. This is a reminder of where I am and why i am here.  

Knowing how much an effect your environment has on your mind, its these lonely hours lying in this bed with just your thoughts and the sound of pain everywhere that could pull you down. This is why I am grateful, I can use my right hand to type and push on with my physio.  I have spent all night meditating and seeing me on the  bike and limbs moving, I have managed to move my left hand slightly.

I remember been pushed down to the surgery feeling relaxed and then the anaesthetic going in my eyes started to close, however this time I had no flash image of been back on a bike or even living, it was just blank. 

So when I came round after 9hours of surgery and could not feel my left side I panicked, I remember the words bleed but had no control and found myself in MRI before coming round in ICU unable to move my left side.  

My first thought was right lets get moving I need to push on, however this is worse than before I can't move this whole side... 

So one week on, some very long nights, I can move my left leg slightly, I can't stand or move this left arm, its just hanging next to me and it becomes a waiting game.  But its one day closer to been back out living life.

Hospital is always a process and having to have nurses wash you, dress you and feed you, when a week ago you were riding around in GB Team kit is heart breaking, but at the same time if you can't celebrate adversity and learn from it your missing out on one of life's greatest gifts, the ability to live with Gratitude.

I won't lie, I would rather not be lying here but I can't change that, what I have complete control over is my minds eye on this. How I perceive this situation.  Like all past surgeries I see it as a challenge and a gift. I know I will walk out of here onto my bike and across those alpine passes and time trials this summer. I am already riding them in my mind. I spend every second in this bed willing my limbs to move again. 

It has been so nice to have so much support during this and it brings a tear to my eye watching my mum read all the messages, again harder on her than me and all I can say is "i love you mum"

Time to have a green juice and get my morning going with a bed bath and physio. 

A massive thank you to Tom my surgeon again for everything, JR Oxford nurses and to every person who has taken time out of their day to message me I have read every message. Also to Press London for sending me cold pressed juices to aid recovery.

Have a great day and be kind to yourself, give yourself a pat on the back, look in the mirror and say than you to your body and your health, it gives you the greatest gift in life. 

AS YOU FEEL THAT TEAR RUN DOWN YOUR FACE

You feel that one tear slowly run down your face, and as you close your eyes another follows, this is the moment your met with emotion. Emotion can come in so many ways and I have cried through joy and fear over the years, however the tear that is running down my face right now is one that I didn't think would happen this year. 

As I walked through the Hospital last Thursday I could feel the world around me stop, then the door opens and you see your surgeon. I have walked through this door so many times. However this time was one of the most heart wrenching moments. 

What was to follow has hit me harder than any other time I have walked through that door. 

I could tell after the last scan from the body language of the girl in the MRI unit, I have become good at reading their body language over the years. 

So you sit in the seat looking at a screen of an image of your neck, your praying, hoping and holding onto every inch of life that the tumour has gone, then you see that it has grown even bigger and you feel your heart stop as you know what is about to follow. 

The words didn't even have to leave my surgeons mouth, I knew in the moment all my dreams for 2016 had gone, for me its never been about winning medals in cycling, I just wanted to live and love the sport and in this one moment it was taken taway from me and no matter how hard I fight there is nothing I can do about it.

It has growing so much that if left It would crush my cord and I would stop breathing. 

Last week in training I had a neural attack and found myself lying on the floor in pain and I almost knew then something was wrong, but you believe that its not the tumour, it can't be again!

I have been so lost since Thursday, when I sit and think what is about to come I feel tears run down my face and my heart stop. 

I know I can fight this but also knowing that everything I have worked for since the last surgery is about to be taken away from me is hard. To walk along that corridor in 3 weeks time and climb onto the table to close my eyes once again not knowing if you will ever open them again, or when you do will you be able to stand or will you be paralysed from the neck down.

Letting go of Rio is one thing, and to be so close to the World Champs is hard but the real difficult part is I feel so healthy and Love life. I have spent a few days walking around thinking I am so scared and don't want to let go of life. I have sat on trains, buses and just walked in the rain crying that I am going to miss out on life as I lay in a hospital bed fighting again. I think how many times have I not lived in the moment over the last year and now want to stop time so the next few weeks till surgery go slow and I can love every second of life. 

So in March I will walk into the hospital and give everything I have to walk out and live life to the full. 

Remember to go out live for the moment and love life xxxx

Wish I could pause time and have one last walk, feeling the fresh air and smiling as I walk. About to travel to Oxford to step into a world that I can't put into words. I am scared and know the pain that is about to follow in the coming months, however I am ready to go on this journey again. 

Thank you all so much for the support xxx

BLINK OF AN EYE

I was in Oxford for my MRI scan today, the last time I was here, the scan showed my tumour had growing back for a third time, leaving me 8mm inside my spinal cord before I would loose the ability to breath or stand. 

So fast forward 6months and after what was a huge training camp in Spain where I covered over a 1000 miles followed by a week in a special treatment clinic in Belgium I am feeling great.

Its hard for me to commute with my mind that I have a tumour, I feel so healthy and am training so hard that I feel if there was something inside my neck then surely I would feel something.

So I walked along the same hospital hall way that I have done now for 6 years, I feel the shiver travel down my spine and my whole body feels numb. I feel lost, scared and for the next hour you have no control of your destiny.

I walk in sign the forms and walk into the MRI room, its a huge horrid looking machine, then you give your body to a higher power, as the cage goes on your head and you slowly move inside the machine you feel another wave of emotions coming over you. Its like no other fight in life. Sure I have stood toe to toe in my Karate days with hard people and taken a beating, but this fight is like no other. You can't do anything apart from lay there. 

I try to meditate but to be honest I was so scared I could have cried in the machine, then the injections start, I can feel my arm as the needle goes in and then I taste the die as it travels through my body. Before you know it your back in the MRI and the noise is penetrating every bit of your body leaving you totally numb in fear.

What are you thinking right now? Your scared like never before, been diagnosed once is hard, twice is scary but a third time hit me harder than I could ever imagining. I thought I was dealing very well with all this, but the truth be told, I am only human and I am so scared. 

I sit in track centre with my bike surrounded by people chasing goals and dreams the same as me, but in the last few weeks I have asked myself what is my real goal, and this is to stay alive. So as I chase seconds on the track I fight emotions of staying alive.

Today is a reminder how important it is to have goals and dreams but also how finding our passion can easily become an obsession. This is something I work hard at to not let happen with cycling. I want to love every second of it,. 

Its days like today when I am reminded that everything can be taken away from you in a blink of an eye and that is a very scary place to be alone inside MRI machine as it ticks and screams in your ear. This 60 minute could change your life and at this point you have no control. 

This is the line you walk between life and not knowing what is around the corner, the balance of passion and obsession as we strive in life to achieve dreams and goals…

My dream today is to stay alive and to be healthy, I just happen to also ride a bike…… However as you lay in that MRI machine, it does not care what you do or who you are it is a very dark and lonely place to be on a journey where your challenged every second of the day with thoughts of life and that fine line of what we all fear the most....

As I left the hospital I passed several people who were going through some tough times and as we passed in the hall way we exchanged a smile of empathy, then there was the young kid in the wheel chair, the poor little guy looked like he had gone through so much but had the biggest smile on his face as he held his teddy bear, and at that point it hit me so hard that we all face challenges and that all we really want to be is happy, healthy and with our loved ones. I then leave the hospital to see the world going on, its like to different worlds, those in hospital happy to be alive then everyone trying to search for happiness away from the hospital, when it is right in front of them with every breath they take. 

Ask yourself what really makes you happy?  For me to find true happiness is to find inner contentment and to have my health so I can treasure all the moments in life. 

Try smiling more and saying hello to people as so many people have a battle and lets face it we can all do with a smile and a friendly hello somedays. 

Thank you all for been there xxx

PEOPLE SOMETIMES ASK WHY I WANTED TO HOLD OFF ON SURGERY

Standing looking through this small street on the last day of the year reflecting back to the first day of 2015 where I could barely walk and today on the last day of the same year I cycled 150km over some breath taken mountain passes and passed through small towns on the island of Mallorca. 

Sometimes as an athlete it becomes about numbers and data as you strive to win medals, however on this ride I answered many questions I have had since that day when I was told I had 8mm left inside my spinal cord. It wasn't about numbers or medals, it was about living your passion, living for the moment. Not worrying about all the what ifs and uncertainties. Thats the beauty of the bike, when your going fast down hill you have to focus on the moment and when going up your just pushing as hard as you can. I often look down at my legs when going up hill and say how grateful I am for them. I remember looking down at them in hospital and they had wasted away completely and now they have just powered me to 20hours of cycling in one week.

How often do you look at your legs and just say thank you for getting me about? Maybe you wouldn't even think of doing that as its something we all take for granted.   

So as 2016 unfolds and we all set goals and dreams for the year, remember not to loose living in the moment and loving every breath you take.

January holds so much for me, I get to train now in Palma with my team mates as they arrive today for another 10days. It has been an amazing two weeks here on my own training, slightly strange Christmas day celebrating on my own, but I have loved every second here. 

In answer to the holding off on surgery, this is why, I get to live for another 6 months doing what I love, I am very scared as we move through January as I go back for my MRI on the 30th and in lots of ways this is the biggest MRI of my life..... So how do you live in the weeks up to this MRI?

You live with Passion and Gratitude

I wish you all a very healthy and good 2016. Remember to look up and take in the beautiful world we live in and make time for friends and enjoy everyday.... 

LYING IN A BED.............

Lying in a bed this time last year pretty much unable to walk I could only dream of racing for Great Britain  

I sat on the chair before stepping up onto the track this weekend and thought how lucky I am that I am about to suffer like hell for 3km as this time last year I lay in a bed barely unable to get out the front door of the house. 

For me goals are important, but there only important if based on values, then once we achieve them we remain humble in our suscess, and if we dont reach them we are upset but are gracious in not quite reaching our goals. 

For me cycling is like this, my dream is to ride for Great Britian and I am doing this, would I like to win?, of course I would love to win, I train dam hard everyday of my life to win and give it everything. However sometimes we cant always win even when we give it everything. 

"As long as you can look in the mirror and say you did everything you could then you can be proud, I would hate to look in the mirror knowing I didnt give it my all"

So this weekend I left with a silver, and a bronze medal, I am happy with how I rode and its a starting point to build through the winter, but the biggest thing I took away from a personal level was how much I loved been part of the team. Living in the moment and living for the day doing what you love.

This was also reinforced by all the events that had happened around the world which made me think lots about my own situation and how lucky I am. It was nice to start the racing off with a minute silence in respect. Again showing that values are more important than reaching goals. 

I never once thought about my 8mm race as I was so wrapped up in the enjoyment of competing for my country with my team mates.

Living with Gratitude  

ONE YEAR ON FROM SURGERY

Today has been tough, not just the hard session on the velodrome, not that this time last year I had come out of surgery and was lying not able to stand. Left lying there I had everything to look forward to and strive for both on and off the bike. 

The hardest thing today which I can not get out of my mind no matter how hard I try is this 8mm.. It has been a few weeks now since I found out about the re growth and the 8mm of hope I have. 

As I went round the velodrome the thought crept into my mind and on the drive home it hit me. It hit me how much I love what I do and am so grateful for this 8mm. However as I close my eyes tonight I am also more scared than I have ever been. I am scared as I know no matter how hard I train this can all be taken away from me when I go to see my surgeon in March. I know I should not worry about it, but I can not help it, I know March is ages away and till then I will love everyday of my life and I hope I can get the worry out of my mind. 

I have been overwhelmed from the support and have read every email and also thank you for all the tips people send, I am trying them all..... Sorry if I have not managed to reply to each email, training has been hard and to be honest I have been struggling knowing that I face more surgery. I have found myself waking up at 3/4am and all I can think about is walking through those surgery doors again and then cry myself back to sleep....

This 8mm fight is going be a hard one and it means the world to have so much support and I will give it everything to make the World Champs in March.....

What is your Gratitude list this week?

mine are: 

              1. Having so many amazing people in my life who support me through

              2. Having my sight so I can see how beautiful the world is

              3. Having my hearing so I can listen to music 

8MM THE RACE I MUST WIN - MY 2 RACES IN LIFE

I never dreamt for one second I would be sitting here about to write what I am going to write. 

I guess from the no response to the result of my hospital appointment last week most of you might have worked out the news wasn't good. 

As I sat in the waiting room to be called in, I knew something wasn't right, then Tom called my name and I knew right away, he couldn't look at me, I walked through that door again and sat down with him. We chatted about sport like always then I leaned forward and said OK am ready. 

The words that would then leave his mouth would yet again change my life, "I am sorry but the tumour has growing back and we are heading for surgery again" 

This is the problem with a genetic tumour, no matter what I do that cell is going to keep growing back. It was strange, I felt no emotion I just wanted to know my options. 

We spoke about options and I asked what is the time frame we have to play with and can I risk not having surgery till I try make the Rio team. 

I have 8 millimetres left inside my cord for the tumour to grow before it would cut off my cord and I would face loosing my lungs and stop breathing along with full paralysis. 

I have decided not to have surgery right now and live my life for the next 11 months chasing my dream of cycling in Rio. I am living life with a 8 millimetre of hope. The hope that it won't grow fast and allow me to train and enjoy my life for one more year before I go back into surgery. 

This has been an easy decision for me to make as I could not face more surgery right now and am hoping to travel to a clinic in Europe after the next surgery to try a new method of killing the cell in the hope I might one day live without this. 

As I watched my mum the tears running down her face my heart stopped as I couldn't even cry, I am determined not to let this beat me but today I did a talk to students in Manchester and for the first time in my life I almost cried during my own talk as it hit me that I am going to go through all this again and my mum is going have to watch me again learning to walk and go through life threatening surgery. I am sitting crying as I write this as all I want to do is have a normal life and do my sport. I am scared that I might never have that and will I ever have the chance to tell someone I love them, will I ever live without the fear of this tumour. 

I remember writing about this almost a year ago and to sit here tonight and write this again is pretty hard but I will live everyday over the next year to the max and enjoying every second and never take it for granted. I will beat this tumour. 

Thank you all so much for been part of this journey, please after reading this make a dream and go after it, tell a friend how much they mean to you or someone you love that you appreciate them. We sometimes just rush through life, but we must pause and take a second to think how lucky we all are. 

With that in mind I want to tell you all that I am so glad to call you all friends and to have your support. 

THE 2HRS BEFORE GOING INTO HOSPITAL

Lying in my bed watching the clock I know in 2 hours time I will be sitting with my surgeon again, its scry to think a year has almost passed since my surgery but I can not tell you how scared I am as I sit here on the bed. 

It has been a roller coster few weeks, racing in South Africa Friday, Sunday then travel for over 24 hours to Manchester then wake up in Oxford.

In 2 hours I will be sat back in the hospital praying my last scan is clear. It's funny getting up to a sunny day listening to the birds knowing that your whole life is in the hands of someone else who will sit you down in a room and show you an image of your body. Then either tell you, I will see you in 5 months or that you need surgery. I am pretty scared to be honest as worked so hard to get back racing and love life I don't want to go through more surgery......

The journey here last night was strange, I met a friend for drinks in London then jumped on a train to Oxford, you sit watching life go past thinking how can it be moving so fast, there never seams to be enough time to do what you want or tell people that you really appreciate them. 

These trips always make me think of life in a different way, in a way that only going through surgery has taught me. So many of us sit and think oh I wish I had done this or said that...... I am sat here now thinking the same thing and I am believing that this scan will be clear and I can push on with my training and living life to the full.......

Thank you to each and everyone of you who follow and support me I really do appreciate it...

ONE OF THE HARDEST DAYS OF MY LIFE

Saying good bye to my boy Zeus after almost 14years together.

They say a dog is mans best friend and this was certainly true for me with Zeus, I had him since he was a pup and he had come through so much with me not to mention both my tumours. He was always there for me and I believe he held on this last 10months to see me through this second tumour. The photo was one of the last ones we had together not long after I got home from hospital this year.

It has taking me a month to be able to even write about this it hit me so hard, I had just returned from Italy from my first cycling world cup and noticed he was struggling with his back legs. 

It was a Friday night and just before bed he fell over, it was heart breaking but I thought if he rests he will be OK on Saturday morning. He was so excited to see me when I got home he maybe ran about a bit much as he followed me everywhere.

Saturday morning I woke and prayed that he would be OK, then I seen him fall over in the back garden, the poor little guy cold not walk or stand but managed to drag himself to the back door by the time I could get to him. I carried him into the car and to the vets. What was to follow was harder than going for surgery to remove my tumour.....

I can't remember much apart from laying on the floor in tears holding the little guy in my arms, his eyes never left mine, he just looked into my eyes with a look of total calm. I think he knew it was time. 

I heard the voice of the vet saying thats him away now, and I have never cried so much in my life. I could not let him go and 30min must of past as I lay on the floor with him in my arms still looking at me. 

I don't think I have ever broke down as much as I did on this day, to make this decision was so hard, he could not stand but mentally was sharp and so happy. I stopped and thought how hard this world is and I kept saying sorry to him as I knew how he felt. I had lost my legs twice in surgery only to be lucky to get them back, but what if someone had just said oh just put him to sleep he can't walk... I had thoughts of guilt and anger that day that were overrun with thoughts of such loss. 

I went out riding as I needed to focus and now make it to Rio for the little guy, I cried on my bike between efforts that day and the house will never be the same again. No little face at the window waiting for you every time you come home.

The great thing having a dream and a desire in life is through hard times it gives us direction and purpose, cycling has done that for me. But like any goal, it is just like a compass, it only points us in the right direction. We must act with actions based on our values everyday if we are ever going to reach that goal. 

A month on from that day and I have just got the best ever test results in my life on the bike and I am one step closer to my dream. This is a great feeling and the battle I have right now is am back in hospital for more MRI scans in two weeks and that worry sits in your mind of how hard I have worked to get this far, I don't have time for anymore tumours right now :) 

Remember to live with Gratitude each day and by your values as you chase your dreams and desires.

RIP Zeus.... 

ITALY WORLD CUP

So I remember watching this move before my surgery and I watch this clip now and again. I guess I watch as it brings me close to what has happened and reminds me to be Grateful and also how my family and friends felt who waited that day, especially my Mum and Dad.

I wanted to share this short video clip with you so you can have an insight into those last seconds before you loose control.

So tomorrow I leave to race in my first World Cup and I can't stop thinking of how lucky I am to be alive and to be riding my bike. 

I have learned to set goals now based on core values rather than purely based on the destination. I find goals act as a compass, they point us in the direction in life, but we must have actions to achieve them and reach that destination. The main value I have is Gratitude. I feel this lets us focus on the processes more than the outcome of our goals, as the outcome is sometimes out of our control, however if we wake up each morning and live for that day giving our passion to our dream by focusing on the process we learn to live for every breath and treasure our health that bit more. 

I remember sitting in the hospital last Tuesday as the surgeon told me that my tumour is something I could have to live with my whole life and that there is not much that can be done apart from surgery at the moment. The last scans showing enhancement of which I pray everyday is scar tissue. 

My goal now is to live, and to live with a passion. My passion is rinding my bike and racing, but in my mind am so scared and cry each time I watch this clip as there is no hiding that part of the tumour is still inside me as the risks of removing it all are to high. 

I now have to get my mind into a place that I will live everyday in the moment and like a sponge soak up the beauty of this world more than ever.

Dream and live your passion with Gratitude. 

Stepping out of the comfort zone

In a world of pain for 42min

Yesterday was probably the hardest day in my sporting life on the World Cup TT course in 34 degree heat. Came 16th which I am sort of happy/disappointed with.
It was a massive step from cycling and rehab to racing these guys. I got smoked but was so proud to ride for GB and it was an amazing feeling with the crowds and closed road. It hurt like hell and Heart rate was 180 average for 42min and peaked at 189bpm. Now very motivated to get home and work hard to find what I need to compete at this level.

I am going to pin the result page to my wall so I see it every night and morning to remind what I am searching for and how much I want it.
This was about learning and discovering where I am 7 months on from surgery. 

CLUB DES CINGLES DU MONT-VENTOUX

6 months from surgery and a dream come true

I remember lying in my hospital bed unable to even sit up, I lay there looking out the window holding back tears and told myself I will stand on the top of Mont Ventoux in 6 months. The doctors thought I was mad but I believed I would, and last Wednesday that dream came true. Not content with cycling up the Ventoux once. I wanted to do it 3 times on all three routes in one day up the mountain which has been described as the mountain of hell by some of the top Tour cyclists in the world. 

I lay in bed the night before and read online about the climb from Bedoin, "once you leave the forrest of hell its time to enter a sea of suffering"...... I can confirm it was!!! 

I loved the pain though as unlike lying in a hospital bed in pain, this pain made me feel alive. 

During the day I suffered and hurt but I kept thinking of what life might of been like and how lucky I am to be on this mountain doing what I love. 

The photo above was at the end of the final climb, I sat crying on the wall overcome with emotion with what Ventoux had done to me on this day, and on how lucky I am to be able to still ride my bike when I came so close last October to loosing everything. 

Thank you to my good friends who rode it with me last week, without them I would have really struggled and to cross the line with you guys putting close to the last 6 months was a very special moment for me. 

Its time to leave Ventoux now and prepare for my first World Cup Race in 3 weeks as I aim for Rio 2016.

"The Ventoux is a god of Evil, to which sacrifices must be made. It never forgives weakness and extracts an unfair tribute of suffering."

Roland Barthes, French philosopher and bicycle racing fan,

PUSHING THE LIMITS

Two years and eight months on from leaving hospital in a wheel chair I would find myself right on my limit of mental strength and to the point where I was scared as I had gone right out of my comfort zone. I had only been back on skis for about my fifth time in 5 years. Two weeks earlier when I went up for that first day, I was nervous and a little unsure, little did I know then that two weeks on I would be climbing into Castle gate gully off the back of Cairngorm. 

As soon as we dropped in down to Loch Ann that day, we all spotted that line down through castle gate gully and started drifting towards it knowing we were going ski it. I had never done any climbing before and it was that part that was worrying me.

We decided to climb to the top of another peak and ski back down onto Loch Ann first. It was a real hard walk followed by some lunch at the top before what is probably one of the best runs I have ever had right down onto the ice.

Once on the ice, I looked up and could see this gully and I new then within the next hour I would be up there. Again this was me going way ahead of myself.

We set off on the climb up and before I knew it things were getting steep and then I was down on my hands and knees kicking boots in hard to get grip. Finlay had brought his crampons and was climbing easily but I was starting to struggle and could feel my confidence going. I had not been on this limit for a long time and was really pushing it here. I kept thinking just focus on each foot step and I could feel my thoughts drifting to, what if I fell. 

I had this vision in my mind of falling backwards and sliding down the full climb.

I have never climbed before so this was a real challenge and I knew if I could get my skis on I would be fine, however getting to that point was a real buzz. I was so nervous and scared that I had to ask Ewan to help me dig out a ledge to get my skis on. I could feel my heart rate going mad and I was loving it but just wanted my skis on and to get down. I had pushed my limits of climbing without the correct kit and knew it was time to get skis on and ski this. 

Once my skis were on I was happy and relaxed, ready to go. I was annoyed at myself as I wanted to ski the full line but my climbing let me down and i could not have gone further that day. This was good place to start and a massive jump from two weeks ago skiing on green and blue runs. The climbing put me right out of my comfort zone, however as soon as I took the first turn i was buzzing. This is living and chasing dreams, pushing right on the limit and I loved every turn down, even if I was gutted I was to scared to try climb further.

I will be back castle gate and next time I will climb higher.

Conditions were tough and icy but I loved every second of the day and skiing back country with great friends on my home mountain is something truly special. Skiing is my main love and I was scared I might never do it again after surgery but to be here pushing the limits and testing my mind as much as my body shows we can do anything we dream if we work for it. 

This is the real beauty of ski touring, you have to work for ever turn. You spend half your day climbing and skinning up hills to then have a very fast decent. After you have worked so hard climbing you hold onto every turn on the way down just that bit more than if you had got a lift up. It almost like time has stopped and its just you and the mountain. You see and hear everything so much more and just never want it to end.

I have defiantly found a new love to skiing, ski touring is something that I have really falling in love with. I think my time in hospital is where this love comes from. Stuck in a room with no fresh air for so long make you notice and appreciate it more. So when your out in the mountains and you see nature and all the beauty around you, it is something that you just fall in love with and it takes over every part of you. Its hard for me to describe the feeling unless you have experienced ski touring but it is almost like a spiritual feeling of just stopping time and your mind is totally blank as you feel every turn and just absorb all around you. It truly is a moment in sport where you can say your in a zone and just flowing in slow motion, even though your ripping down the side of a hill.

THE PATH AHEAD

The Path Ahead

This time next week I will be lying in a hospital bed

 I woke up this morning to a very wet cold day and the first thing I said was I am grateful for everything I have in my life, from my friends to my sport there is not a day I don't wake up and say Gratitude. However today had more meaning as this time next week I will be in surgery having the back of my head and neck cut open to remove the tumour. 

So what is in my thoughts today, FEAR is pretty high and I keep watching the clock go from hour to hour so fast. It has done this since I was diagnosed again. Time seams to go so fast and before you know it the day is over and we have maybe missed opportunities because we have been so wrapped up in the future or worried about the past. Today has taught me again that our relationship with time should be to live in the moment so we don't miss the beauty of the world we live in.

I watched the movie 50/50 this week, some may say not the best idea as it is about a young guy with a similar tumour to mine. It certainly hit a nerve and I cried but also laughed. It taught me how important it is to tell people around you that you love them and never take them for granted. I told my mum last night I loved her and that I know this is harder for her than it is for me. We both handle it well together but I know I cry in secret and I know she does.

I am fighting the fear with setting my goals, like looking down the road on any challenge, perception of the road ahead is the most important thing. I can not wait to stand at the top of Mount Ventoux one of the most famous climbs in the Tour De france in April, 6 months after surgery. 

Next week is just the same as standing at the bottom of any climb, there is a road to the top you just have to choose to take it then work for it. Through the dark times, there is always moments that take your breath away and thats why we have dreams and we should never stop fighting for them. 

Pain is temporary quitting lasts forever.

"The person who says they can't & the ones who say they can are usually correct"

Never has these two statements meant so much to me, as I lay here in my hospital bed exactly one week on from surgery tonight. The pain in my neck is unreal as I lay here writing this but I feel the luckiest guy alive. 

Last Tuesday morning at 7am I arrived at the hospital prepared both mentally and physically for this surgery. Not knowing what lay ahead I was very scared but holding it together. My parents were crying and as i tried to stay strong and treat it like a race or more relevant a fight. I sat there hood over my head thinking I was about to step onto the mat to fight for my life. I stood at the bottom of this road looking up the climb and telling myself this is like climbing any mountain in life, you can not fear it, but you must respect it and then fight it. You have to have a plan, you can not go in blind.

Then the curve ball, I am sat waiting to be taken and am told, "we have no beds and you might not be taken today, we are sorry".

You can imagine the impact here, I have been preparing for this date for weeks and now I might just have to leave and go home. The unknown.... The unknown is the most scariest place you can find yourself. 

Then Tom my surgeon arrived and waved at me then with a nice smile said lets go give you a sore neck.

From then on life moved in a different way than it has ever before, family scared as they listen to the risks of the surgery and as I signed the forms, I could feel there fear and worry. I had to stay strong. 

I gave them a hug and said see you on the other side, for me this was hard, I held back my tears just as i felt both of them cry in my arms. I was very scared, nervous and could have falling to my knees crying but I had to hold it together not just for me but them.

Then the walk down to surgery and onto the bed in Anaesthesia,  I lay there watching all the tubes go in and went into my meditation routine that I have practised everyday. This was it the next time I open my eyes I will know my future, or maybe I will never open them again, thats the thing with surgery. The risks are high.

I remember coming round and feeling very calm and in a very nice place, I could move my legs, I was very happy and emotional but just told myself to keep breathing and allow body to recovery. Over 5 hours of waiting for family in the hospital must have been horrid for them, the not knowing and the panic, I can only imaging how hard this day was for them.

After few hours I was back on the ward and spent two days pretty out of it and in so much pain. I could move my legs and my lungs were OK. I was very grateful for this. 

The next few days are hard ones as I could not sleep with the pain, the reality of what has happened sinks in along with what your left with. This is when you can defeat yourself, this is the hard part where your left with your mind and its thoughts all day and night, there is no hiding.

I set small goals everyday and before I knew it I was standing, then walking and today managed the stairs.

Two things happened just before I closed my eyes last Tuesday before having my neck cut open, I seen myself on the podium in Rio and I got this overwhelming sense of positive energy from all the people who have thought and prayed for me. I have never felt anything like this in my life but I could feel it and for that I than each and everyone of you who have thought about me over this time. Your all very special to me.

I think back to my last post and thinking about that climb in life we all have, our own battles are all relative and how we spend our time each day is so important, today I watched the guy next to be diagnosed and told his options, I lay there with empathy and smiled at him across the room. I could feel his hurt. We are all human and we all hurt but we have got to fight to keep our dreams alive. It is OK to cry and be scared, but you have to then be strong and fight in this life.

I have so many people to thank for your support over this week, and I hope I can make you all proud to be my friend and in my life, my mum has gone through hell this week but has sat at my bed every night helping in anyway she can, I can feel how hard it is for her and she holds back her tears every night. 

She gets up each morning to receive my juice delivery from Will, Georgie, Ian and the team at Juice Well in Soho London who have been amazing and sent me a whole supply of fresh pressed juices each day from London to Oxford. I can 100% say this has been the biggest help in my recovery and can not put into words what it means to have them go out there way to do this everyday for me. I am drinking 8kg of veg juices a day and my heart rate is down to 34bpm resting, and all bloods show no sign of surgery at all. in fact some readings are better than normal. The only thing is the PAIN and not having much function in my arms. 

Laughing is always good and especially in dark times, some nice visits from good friends always provides that and I have enough fruit and veg to last till I go home to Aviemore after Jaco my cycling team mate stopped in the other night. 

As I log off now for the night I feel a tear run down my face of joy and look forward to the battle of rehab over the next months.

OXFORD.........

For the last two weeks I have been at the Games with Team Scotland as an ambassador.

This role was a complete honour and to share it with great friends as well as making new friends was probably one of the best two weeks of my life along with London 2012.

I had a pass to go to any sport with the best seats in the house it has giving me memories that will last a life time and that I am very grateful for.

It was somewhat of a strange time for me, as I had to travel to Oxford for results of my last MRI on the first day of competition.

I mentioned about my hands in the last mail and it was going to be a nice to speak with the surgeon about this.

I went into the room and my intuition was telling me that this was going to be a life changing moment.

Within 2min for been in the room my life was about to change again for ever, the surgeon looked at me and said that line no one wants to hear. " I am sorry but the Tumour has returned and if we don't remove it you will be paralysed from the neck down"

So the only option is surgery and then into a intensive rehab program and back onto a bike to continue my dream of riding for GB at the games in Rio and Tokyo. 

It was a long train journey back to Glasgow where i was reminded how grateful we should all be for our health. 

Then into my role at the games as an ambassador, and for two weeks I didn't stop, I used the energy of the games and all the sport to prepare for surgery and stored the special moments in my mind for the long dark hours of rehab that are waiting for me. Those moments of standing listening to the national anthems dreaming it is me on the podium. The games has provided me with the perfect platform to go into surgery and to beat this tumour again. 

It is now time to prepare my body and mind for the fight that is around the corner and like any fighter preparing is mostly mental. In life we are defined by what we do at are lowest and in dark places we find ourselves. It is in these places that the only thing that can defeat you is you. 

keeping mentally strong yet calm and following the processes with a self belief that you will reach your dreams in life is so important to get back from these dark places. 

I am now ready to go to this place and return stronger mentally than I am now with a desire to live life to the full and to inspire people to love life as it is the greets gift we will ever receive.