"Remember everything you ever dream about, is on the other side of fear. Don't let anyone tell you, you can't do something"

Walking in here on the 29th of February with no pain and feeling super healthy to now be lying here unable to really move is more a challenge mentally than physically. 

I am not frustrated or upset, I am in fact very grateful. However that does not mean this is easy, I moved from my own room today onto the ward and not slept all night as so many people screaming in pain. This is a reminder of where I am and why i am here.  


Knowing how much an effect your environment has on your mind, its these lonely hours lying in this bed with just your thoughts and the sound of pain everywhere that could pull you down. This is why I am grateful, I can use my right hand to type and push on with my physio.  I have spent all night meditating and seeing me on the  bike and limbs moving, I have managed to move my left hand slightly.


I remember been pushed down to the surgery feeling relaxed and then the anaesthetic going in my eyes started to close, however this time I had no flash image of been back on a bike or even living, it was just blank. 


So when I came round after 9hours of surgery and could not feel my left side I panicked, I remember the words bleed but had no control and found myself in MRI before coming round in ICU unable to move my left side.  


My first thought was right lets get moving I need to push on, however this is worse than before I can't move this whole side... 


So one week on, some very long nights, I can move my left leg slightly, I can't stand or move this left arm, its just hanging next to me and it becomes a waiting game.  But its one day closer to been back out living life.


Hospital is always a process and having to have nurses wash you, dress you and feed you, when a week ago you were riding around in GB Team kit is heart breaking, but at the same time if you can't celebrate adversity and learn from it your missing out on one of life's greatest gifts, the ability to live with Gratitude.


I won't lie, I would rather not be lying here but I can't change that, what I have complete control over is my minds eye on this. How I perceive this situation.  Like all past surgeries I see it as a challenge and a gift. I know I will walk out of here onto my bike and across those alpine passes and time trials this summer. I am already riding them in my mind. I spend every second in this bed willing my limbs to move again. 


It has been so nice to have so much support during this and it brings a tear to my eye watching my mum read all the messages, again harder on her than me and all I can say is "i love you mum"


Time to have a green juice and get my morning going with a bed bath and physio. 


A massive thank you to Tom my surgeon again for everything, JR Oxford nurses and to every person who has taken time out of their day to message me I have read every message. Also to Press London for sending me cold pressed juices to aid recovery.


Have a great day and be kind to yourself, give yourself a pat on the back, look in the mirror and say than you to your body and your health, it gives you the greatest gift in life.