HOW LIFE CAN CHANGE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE

You wake every morning jump in the shower and then have breakfast and run out the door, how many times to you stop and say how thankful you are to have your legs, for running water and food. Things we take for granted as we rush through our lives.

Do you ever stop and be mindful of what you have, and know how lucky you are for this ability?

Even after my second tumour I still didn't always stop and say thanks, it wasn't till I found myself in hospital for the third time did I really learn.

I remember the last weeks in the JR in Oxford, I lived everyone's tumour who came through the ward I was in, I watched as they walked in, the reaction of the Doctors telling them the risks of surgery and the effect this had on not just them but their family. 

The day I left the JR I could not hold back the tears,  as I was wheeled through the neuro surgery ward and could feel the tears running down my face.

The feeling of fresh air as I went outside for the first time in 8 weeks was like no other feeling in life.

So I arrived at Stoke Mandville ready to push hard and walk out of there and onto my bike, I believe that environment has a huge effect on our minds and never in 6 years of surgery and hospital have I broke mentally but after 3 weeks here I could have broke, I was so low and could feel my mind wanting to give up every day. 

I will never forget my first morning in the spinal gym, seeing so many people who were in a real bad way, it was heartbreaking, nothing in life has touched me quite like that gym and it will never leave me. Some people fighting for every inch and others who were giving up. 

I sat one morning and this young lad came in who was paralysed from the neck down and on a ventilator, and I thought that could easily have been me, I looked and smiled as he smiled back we shared a moment without saying a word.  That was the thing in here, we all had empathy, everyone in here had come through some very dark places. From the young lad who had rolled out of bed to the Air force PT who fell a 1000ft we were all in some way very unlucky but in the same breath lucky as we were all alive. In here it didn't matter who you were, we were all on the same path and just a smile would say a thousand words between each us. That's the thing with Cancer or an accident, it can happen to anyone at any time and change your life forever. 

One night a friend in the hospital said to me he was happy to die after a fall in his kitchen seen him lay there for 15 hours before he was found. No one had ever said that to me before, I wanted to just give him a hug and say you got to fight my friend as life is such a beautiful thing. 

I made some good friends in Stoke who made me laugh so much and I will never forget that we had a good small group who put the world to rights each day and laughed with each other. 

All of them woke up one morning and went about life like you will have done today and then were involved in accidents which were not their fault. I guess you could say they were a second to early and someone else’s mistake would change their lives forever.  

On the day of my surgery a girl who won a Gold medal in London 2012 died of Cancer, she was 34, I remember reading that and thinking god what if I had not made it through my 9-hour surgery, I had left so much un said. I always try to message friends and tell them how special they are to me as without them my life would have been a very lonely place over the last 4 months. 

I have been overwhelmed by the messages I have received from all over the World from people fighting Cancer to School kids all telling me not to give up. I will never give up fighting this and as I was about to get on my bike and push on with my rehab, the phone rang to tell me I was been registered at the oncology department, a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye I was reminded that this is not just a spinal injury but a tumour that has shaped my life and will always be part of me. However it will not define my life, I make that decision. 

As I wake every morning I fight to get my arm and leg moving, I am spending every waken hour working on this in the hope something moves and I can ride through the Alps once again feeling the beauty of life. 

I just ask you to wake up and be grateful for what you have and to smile more at people and even try saying good morning it won’t hurt you.

ONE WEEK ON FROM 9HR SURGERY

"Remember everything you ever dream about, is on the other side of fear. Don't let anyone tell you, you can't do something"

Walking in here on the 29th of February with no pain and feeling super healthy to now be lying here unable to really move is more a challenge mentally than physically. 

I am not frustrated or upset, I am in fact very grateful. However that does not mean this is easy, I moved from my own room today onto the ward and not slept all night as so many people screaming in pain. This is a reminder of where I am and why i am here.  

Knowing how much an effect your environment has on your mind, its these lonely hours lying in this bed with just your thoughts and the sound of pain everywhere that could pull you down. This is why I am grateful, I can use my right hand to type and push on with my physio.  I have spent all night meditating and seeing me on the  bike and limbs moving, I have managed to move my left hand slightly.

I remember been pushed down to the surgery feeling relaxed and then the anaesthetic going in my eyes started to close, however this time I had no flash image of been back on a bike or even living, it was just blank. 

So when I came round after 9hours of surgery and could not feel my left side I panicked, I remember the words bleed but had no control and found myself in MRI before coming round in ICU unable to move my left side.  

My first thought was right lets get moving I need to push on, however this is worse than before I can't move this whole side... 

So one week on, some very long nights, I can move my left leg slightly, I can't stand or move this left arm, its just hanging next to me and it becomes a waiting game.  But its one day closer to been back out living life.

Hospital is always a process and having to have nurses wash you, dress you and feed you, when a week ago you were riding around in GB Team kit is heart breaking, but at the same time if you can't celebrate adversity and learn from it your missing out on one of life's greatest gifts, the ability to live with Gratitude.

I won't lie, I would rather not be lying here but I can't change that, what I have complete control over is my minds eye on this. How I perceive this situation.  Like all past surgeries I see it as a challenge and a gift. I know I will walk out of here onto my bike and across those alpine passes and time trials this summer. I am already riding them in my mind. I spend every second in this bed willing my limbs to move again. 

It has been so nice to have so much support during this and it brings a tear to my eye watching my mum read all the messages, again harder on her than me and all I can say is "i love you mum"

Time to have a green juice and get my morning going with a bed bath and physio. 

A massive thank you to Tom my surgeon again for everything, JR Oxford nurses and to every person who has taken time out of their day to message me I have read every message. Also to Press London for sending me cold pressed juices to aid recovery.

Have a great day and be kind to yourself, give yourself a pat on the back, look in the mirror and say than you to your body and your health, it gives you the greatest gift in life. 

AS YOU FEEL THAT TEAR RUN DOWN YOUR FACE

You feel that one tear slowly run down your face, and as you close your eyes another follows, this is the moment your met with emotion. Emotion can come in so many ways and I have cried through joy and fear over the years, however the tear that is running down my face right now is one that I didn't think would happen this year. 

As I walked through the Hospital last Thursday I could feel the world around me stop, then the door opens and you see your surgeon. I have walked through this door so many times. However this time was one of the most heart wrenching moments. 

What was to follow has hit me harder than any other time I have walked through that door. 

I could tell after the last scan from the body language of the girl in the MRI unit, I have become good at reading their body language over the years. 

So you sit in the seat looking at a screen of an image of your neck, your praying, hoping and holding onto every inch of life that the tumour has gone, then you see that it has grown even bigger and you feel your heart stop as you know what is about to follow. 

The words didn't even have to leave my surgeons mouth, I knew in the moment all my dreams for 2016 had gone, for me its never been about winning medals in cycling, I just wanted to live and love the sport and in this one moment it was taken taway from me and no matter how hard I fight there is nothing I can do about it.

It has growing so much that if left It would crush my cord and I would stop breathing. 

Last week in training I had a neural attack and found myself lying on the floor in pain and I almost knew then something was wrong, but you believe that its not the tumour, it can't be again!

I have been so lost since Thursday, when I sit and think what is about to come I feel tears run down my face and my heart stop. 

I know I can fight this but also knowing that everything I have worked for since the last surgery is about to be taken away from me is hard. To walk along that corridor in 3 weeks time and climb onto the table to close my eyes once again not knowing if you will ever open them again, or when you do will you be able to stand or will you be paralysed from the neck down.

Letting go of Rio is one thing, and to be so close to the World Champs is hard but the real difficult part is I feel so healthy and Love life. I have spent a few days walking around thinking I am so scared and don't want to let go of life. I have sat on trains, buses and just walked in the rain crying that I am going to miss out on life as I lay in a hospital bed fighting again. I think how many times have I not lived in the moment over the last year and now want to stop time so the next few weeks till surgery go slow and I can love every second of life. 

So in March I will walk into the hospital and give everything I have to walk out and live life to the full. 

Remember to go out live for the moment and love life xxxx

Wish I could pause time and have one last walk, feeling the fresh air and smiling as I walk. About to travel to Oxford to step into a world that I can't put into words. I am scared and know the pain that is about to follow in the coming months, however I am ready to go on this journey again. 

Thank you all so much for the support xxx