ONE OF THE HARDEST DAYS OF MY LIFE
Saying good bye to my boy Zeus after almost 14years together.
They say a dog is mans best friend and this was certainly true for me with Zeus, I had him since he was a pup and he had come through so much with me not to mention both my tumours. He was always there for me and I believe he held on this last 10months to see me through this second tumour. The photo was one of the last ones we had together not long after I got home from hospital this year.
It has taking me a month to be able to even write about this it hit me so hard, I had just returned from Italy from my first cycling world cup and noticed he was struggling with his back legs.
It was a Friday night and just before bed he fell over, it was heart breaking but I thought if he rests he will be OK on Saturday morning. He was so excited to see me when I got home he maybe ran about a bit much as he followed me everywhere.
Saturday morning I woke and prayed that he would be OK, then I seen him fall over in the back garden, the poor little guy cold not walk or stand but managed to drag himself to the back door by the time I could get to him. I carried him into the car and to the vets. What was to follow was harder than going for surgery to remove my tumour.....
I can't remember much apart from laying on the floor in tears holding the little guy in my arms, his eyes never left mine, he just looked into my eyes with a look of total calm. I think he knew it was time.
I heard the voice of the vet saying thats him away now, and I have never cried so much in my life. I could not let him go and 30min must of past as I lay on the floor with him in my arms still looking at me.
I don't think I have ever broke down as much as I did on this day, to make this decision was so hard, he could not stand but mentally was sharp and so happy. I stopped and thought how hard this world is and I kept saying sorry to him as I knew how he felt. I had lost my legs twice in surgery only to be lucky to get them back, but what if someone had just said oh just put him to sleep he can't walk... I had thoughts of guilt and anger that day that were overrun with thoughts of such loss.
I went out riding as I needed to focus and now make it to Rio for the little guy, I cried on my bike between efforts that day and the house will never be the same again. No little face at the window waiting for you every time you come home.
The great thing having a dream and a desire in life is through hard times it gives us direction and purpose, cycling has done that for me. But like any goal, it is just like a compass, it only points us in the right direction. We must act with actions based on our values everyday if we are ever going to reach that goal.
A month on from that day and I have just got the best ever test results in my life on the bike and I am one step closer to my dream. This is a great feeling and the battle I have right now is am back in hospital for more MRI scans in two weeks and that worry sits in your mind of how hard I have worked to get this far, I don't have time for anymore tumours right now :)
Remember to live with Gratitude each day and by your values as you chase your dreams and desires.