BLINK OF AN EYE
I was in Oxford for my MRI scan today, the last time I was here, the scan showed my tumour had growing back for a third time, leaving me 8mm inside my spinal cord before I would loose the ability to breath or stand.
So fast forward 6months and after what was a huge training camp in Spain where I covered over a 1000 miles followed by a week in a special treatment clinic in Belgium I am feeling great.
Its hard for me to commute with my mind that I have a tumour, I feel so healthy and am training so hard that I feel if there was something inside my neck then surely I would feel something.
So I walked along the same hospital hall way that I have done now for 6 years, I feel the shiver travel down my spine and my whole body feels numb. I feel lost, scared and for the next hour you have no control of your destiny.
I walk in sign the forms and walk into the MRI room, its a huge horrid looking machine, then you give your body to a higher power, as the cage goes on your head and you slowly move inside the machine you feel another wave of emotions coming over you. Its like no other fight in life. Sure I have stood toe to toe in my Karate days with hard people and taken a beating, but this fight is like no other. You can't do anything apart from lay there.
I try to meditate but to be honest I was so scared I could have cried in the machine, then the injections start, I can feel my arm as the needle goes in and then I taste the die as it travels through my body. Before you know it your back in the MRI and the noise is penetrating every bit of your body leaving you totally numb in fear.
What are you thinking right now? Your scared like never before, been diagnosed once is hard, twice is scary but a third time hit me harder than I could ever imagining. I thought I was dealing very well with all this, but the truth be told, I am only human and I am so scared.
I sit in track centre with my bike surrounded by people chasing goals and dreams the same as me, but in the last few weeks I have asked myself what is my real goal, and this is to stay alive. So as I chase seconds on the track I fight emotions of staying alive.
Today is a reminder how important it is to have goals and dreams but also how finding our passion can easily become an obsession. This is something I work hard at to not let happen with cycling. I want to love every second of it,.
Its days like today when I am reminded that everything can be taken away from you in a blink of an eye and that is a very scary place to be alone inside MRI machine as it ticks and screams in your ear. This 60 minute could change your life and at this point you have no control.
This is the line you walk between life and not knowing what is around the corner, the balance of passion and obsession as we strive in life to achieve dreams and goals…
My dream today is to stay alive and to be healthy, I just happen to also ride a bike…… However as you lay in that MRI machine, it does not care what you do or who you are it is a very dark and lonely place to be on a journey where your challenged every second of the day with thoughts of life and that fine line of what we all fear the most....
As I left the hospital I passed several people who were going through some tough times and as we passed in the hall way we exchanged a smile of empathy, then there was the young kid in the wheel chair, the poor little guy looked like he had gone through so much but had the biggest smile on his face as he held his teddy bear, and at that point it hit me so hard that we all face challenges and that all we really want to be is happy, healthy and with our loved ones. I then leave the hospital to see the world going on, its like to different worlds, those in hospital happy to be alive then everyone trying to search for happiness away from the hospital, when it is right in front of them with every breath they take.
Ask yourself what really makes you happy? For me to find true happiness is to find inner contentment and to have my health so I can treasure all the moments in life.
Try smiling more and saying hello to people as so many people have a battle and lets face it we can all do with a smile and a friendly hello somedays.
Thank you all for been there xxx