MY ARM MOVES

For 8 months I have dreamed of this day, the day where my arm moves. Its so important in life to set goals, but these goals act just like a compass, they give us direction. If we are to reach them we have to put in hours and hours of focused work.

i remember when In had goals to be a World Champion, I never truly realised that the greatest gift I would ever receive was my health and the ability to move with freedom. 

It wasn't till I woke up 8 months ago paralysed down one side of my body that I would see my goals through a completely new set of eyes. It was no longer about medals or titles it was about living.

Fighting for your life sends you on a journey of self discovery beyond belief and to places that have left me crying looking at photos of the athlete I was before this last surgery. I might not have the power to ride like I did, but I have a mind now stronger than it has ever been. 

There has been days where I have felt like a prisoner in my own body, unable to do things I would love to do, the things I took for granted before they were taken away from me. 

One of the most difficult parts of any transition in life is the change in your identity, but transitions in life can be great and really challenge you if you see the opportunities in them.

The one challenge for me this time has been managing loosing my identity. I didn't notice this in hospital or in rehab as you are in a safe environment and a bubble. However to develop and grow we have to step out of our comfort zone and for me this was leaving the safe bubble of rehab and going out in London. 

Its funny you mostly walk about invisible and no one sees you until you are different, then people stare, not in a bad way, but at first you don't know this, you just feel people looking at you. I was very lucky in hospital to work lots on my Emotional Intelligence by studying the Harvard Business School audio books, especially the one on managing change.  This taught me so much about myself that it prepared me to step out of my comfort zone. 

However no book really prepares you for jumping into the sea, you could read everyday on how to swim, but until you jump in the water you wont know if it works. It is also a world a way from the book and there was times I felt so overwhelmed trying to walk through London that I wanted to just stop and cry. 

I would then tell myself that people weren't looking in a negative way but one of curiosity and that I needed to be aware of this and then respond in a positive way. The hardest thing was chatting with someone and seeing in there eyes how much they had judged me before knowing my fight.

We tend to do this as humans, we judge before knowing the full story. Emotional intelligence has showing me this can be our biggest loss in life as we can miss out on meeting some amazing people. 

We always seam to be in a hurry and run about with hour heads buried and miss the real beauty of life, try to pause sometimes and chat to someone new or to stop and say gratitude for your health and the world we live in. 

I have met some of the kindest and most amazing people I have never met this year since my third tumour and they have made what has been one of the hardest years of my life into one of the most special ones as well. 

I have worked every second of everyday over the last 8 months to move my arm, I never really had any signs that it might one day move again, but I never gave up once, and last week it moved for the first time in a way that gave me belief that one day it will move again. 

So never give up on your dreams or your beliefs and always see challenges in life as a positive and an opportunity to discover more about yourself. Change can be good and creates neuroplasticity if you perceive it as a positive challenge and not a threat. 

Set and intention each day you awake to not judge others and to make people smile as you will never know the fight someone else is going through if you don't make time to listen to them in an empathetic way.

HOW LIFE CAN CHANGE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE

You wake every morning jump in the shower and then have breakfast and run out the door, how many times to you stop and say how thankful you are to have your legs, for running water and food. Things we take for granted as we rush through our lives.

Do you ever stop and be mindful of what you have, and know how lucky you are for this ability?

Even after my second tumour I still didn't always stop and say thanks, it wasn't till I found myself in hospital for the third time did I really learn.

I remember the last weeks in the JR in Oxford, I lived everyone's tumour who came through the ward I was in, I watched as they walked in, the reaction of the Doctors telling them the risks of surgery and the effect this had on not just them but their family. 

The day I left the JR I could not hold back the tears,  as I was wheeled through the neuro surgery ward and could feel the tears running down my face.

The feeling of fresh air as I went outside for the first time in 8 weeks was like no other feeling in life.

So I arrived at Stoke Mandville ready to push hard and walk out of there and onto my bike, I believe that environment has a huge effect on our minds and never in 6 years of surgery and hospital have I broke mentally but after 3 weeks here I could have broke, I was so low and could feel my mind wanting to give up every day. 

I will never forget my first morning in the spinal gym, seeing so many people who were in a real bad way, it was heartbreaking, nothing in life has touched me quite like that gym and it will never leave me. Some people fighting for every inch and others who were giving up. 

I sat one morning and this young lad came in who was paralysed from the neck down and on a ventilator, and I thought that could easily have been me, I looked and smiled as he smiled back we shared a moment without saying a word.  That was the thing in here, we all had empathy, everyone in here had come through some very dark places. From the young lad who had rolled out of bed to the Air force PT who fell a 1000ft we were all in some way very unlucky but in the same breath lucky as we were all alive. In here it didn't matter who you were, we were all on the same path and just a smile would say a thousand words between each us. That's the thing with Cancer or an accident, it can happen to anyone at any time and change your life forever. 

One night a friend in the hospital said to me he was happy to die after a fall in his kitchen seen him lay there for 15 hours before he was found. No one had ever said that to me before, I wanted to just give him a hug and say you got to fight my friend as life is such a beautiful thing. 

I made some good friends in Stoke who made me laugh so much and I will never forget that we had a good small group who put the world to rights each day and laughed with each other. 

All of them woke up one morning and went about life like you will have done today and then were involved in accidents which were not their fault. I guess you could say they were a second to early and someone else’s mistake would change their lives forever.  

On the day of my surgery a girl who won a Gold medal in London 2012 died of Cancer, she was 34, I remember reading that and thinking god what if I had not made it through my 9-hour surgery, I had left so much un said. I always try to message friends and tell them how special they are to me as without them my life would have been a very lonely place over the last 4 months. 

I have been overwhelmed by the messages I have received from all over the World from people fighting Cancer to School kids all telling me not to give up. I will never give up fighting this and as I was about to get on my bike and push on with my rehab, the phone rang to tell me I was been registered at the oncology department, a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye I was reminded that this is not just a spinal injury but a tumour that has shaped my life and will always be part of me. However it will not define my life, I make that decision. 

As I wake every morning I fight to get my arm and leg moving, I am spending every waken hour working on this in the hope something moves and I can ride through the Alps once again feeling the beauty of life. 

I just ask you to wake up and be grateful for what you have and to smile more at people and even try saying good morning it won’t hurt you.

ONE WEEK ON FROM 9HR SURGERY

"Remember everything you ever dream about, is on the other side of fear. Don't let anyone tell you, you can't do something"

Walking in here on the 29th of February with no pain and feeling super healthy to now be lying here unable to really move is more a challenge mentally than physically. 

I am not frustrated or upset, I am in fact very grateful. However that does not mean this is easy, I moved from my own room today onto the ward and not slept all night as so many people screaming in pain. This is a reminder of where I am and why i am here.  

Knowing how much an effect your environment has on your mind, its these lonely hours lying in this bed with just your thoughts and the sound of pain everywhere that could pull you down. This is why I am grateful, I can use my right hand to type and push on with my physio.  I have spent all night meditating and seeing me on the  bike and limbs moving, I have managed to move my left hand slightly.

I remember been pushed down to the surgery feeling relaxed and then the anaesthetic going in my eyes started to close, however this time I had no flash image of been back on a bike or even living, it was just blank. 

So when I came round after 9hours of surgery and could not feel my left side I panicked, I remember the words bleed but had no control and found myself in MRI before coming round in ICU unable to move my left side.  

My first thought was right lets get moving I need to push on, however this is worse than before I can't move this whole side... 

So one week on, some very long nights, I can move my left leg slightly, I can't stand or move this left arm, its just hanging next to me and it becomes a waiting game.  But its one day closer to been back out living life.

Hospital is always a process and having to have nurses wash you, dress you and feed you, when a week ago you were riding around in GB Team kit is heart breaking, but at the same time if you can't celebrate adversity and learn from it your missing out on one of life's greatest gifts, the ability to live with Gratitude.

I won't lie, I would rather not be lying here but I can't change that, what I have complete control over is my minds eye on this. How I perceive this situation.  Like all past surgeries I see it as a challenge and a gift. I know I will walk out of here onto my bike and across those alpine passes and time trials this summer. I am already riding them in my mind. I spend every second in this bed willing my limbs to move again. 

It has been so nice to have so much support during this and it brings a tear to my eye watching my mum read all the messages, again harder on her than me and all I can say is "i love you mum"

Time to have a green juice and get my morning going with a bed bath and physio. 

A massive thank you to Tom my surgeon again for everything, JR Oxford nurses and to every person who has taken time out of their day to message me I have read every message. Also to Press London for sending me cold pressed juices to aid recovery.

Have a great day and be kind to yourself, give yourself a pat on the back, look in the mirror and say than you to your body and your health, it gives you the greatest gift in life.